Day 1 Week 2

I'm not sure how I would classify today. I don't know if it was a success or not. I stayed on my plan and got all of my water. In fact, in that regard I did really well. I took my suppliments, wrote everything down and even stayed below 20 carbs. I feel like I let myself down though. I had a single little bite of chicken from the stir fry I made the other night. I know, not so bad. But then I had two bites of pizza. The sad thing is, it didn't even taste good. It was cold and had been in the fridge for a week I suspect. I'm disappointed that I ate anything at all, that wasn't on my plan. I'm not even sure why I did it. I wasn't hungry. I don't think that I was bored. In fact I'd actually just woken up. I've been fighting a migraine since Christmas Eve and finally gave in to taking my heavy duty meds. What I'm most concerned about is the possibility that I'm seeing some real success and am now starting to self-sabotage. I have a history of doing that to myself.

Over the years I've come to realize that I'm very uncomfortable with attention. Combine attention and compliments and I start to freak out. I know there is a direct connection between these feelings and my past. I've always wondered if I would have been molested if I'd been unattractive as a little girl. Perhaps if I'd been over-weight as a teenager I wouldn't have been exploited by men. Or my own family. I've heard for so long that I'm such a pretty girl, if I'd only lose some weight I'd be even prettier. You know what though? My weight has been my armor. It's been my armor for so long that I still wear it despite the fact that I haven't needed it for more than 20 years. I know that if I'm fat, I won't be noticed. If I'm not noticed then I never have to worry about someone thinking of me in a sexual way. I don't want anyone other than my own husband to look at me and think of me that way. It brings up too many painful memories and I feel so vulnerable. I already have a hard enough time blocking the memories out, why would I want something to constantly remind me?

I'm not trying to be vain when I say that I know I have a pretty face. I also know that if I were to weigh what I should, that I would be considered an attractive woman. I've been around enough men to know what they say when they see someone attractive. I've seen how some men will stare at a woman. I'm barely comfortable enough letting my own brother-in-law give me hug. How can I handle the thought of numerous men looking at me?

I also know that if I'd been raised to have more self-esteem perhaps I wouldn't have felt like the only thing I could give to be liked/respected/loved was my body. Yes, I had that little self worth. When someone is objectified from the age of three, it's nearly impossible not to be messed up. I should have been protected. Instead I was basically the sacrificial lamb. I remember when I was 14 years old. I wasn't allowed to date a 19 year old but my parents had no problem with me spending two nights alone in a hotel room with a 28 year old man they thought was the son of someone famous. Would I be out of line to say I felt like I was being pimped out by my own mother? I'm quite sure that if I weren't as cute and thin that never would have been a possibility.

Ugh! I'm so all over the place tonight. I don't want to think about those things right now, but if I don't confront them I'm never going to be able to do this. Do you ever wish you could just take certain memories and erase them forever? Can I do that for the entire first half of my life? Delete every horrible thing that ever happened to me? Would I still be the same person I am today? I've often believed that I was two people in the past. One person that everything bad happened to, and the other person that lived life in a way that no one ever knew what was happening to her. Crazy?

I can't do this right now. I'm not ready to confront some of this stuff. I thought I would be, but it's just causing all of it to come to the surface and suffocate me.

In regards to my plan today was a good day. I weighed in at 195.4 for a loss of 1 lb from yesterday and 10.6 pounds to date. Other than the three bites this afternoon, I stayed on plan. I ate my seven servings of protein, drank my 64 ounces of water, took my suppliments twice today and had a total intake of only 16 carbs. Tomorrow is football and nachos and I still don't have a plan. I just don't know if I want to risk it all by indulging. I guess we'll find out.