Still Paying

Okay, so yesterday was a hard day to post. I had a long day at work and it was late when I got to writing so I didn't have much time. Another 12 hour day today and here I am at 9:30 pm trying to write. Despite how long and busy my day was I actualy managed to stay on plan. Although, I did only get six servings of protein versus the seven I'm supposed to have. I managed to get all of my water, both sets of suppliments and I kept my carbs at 13. I've been really thirsty lately. I'm not sure if it's my body going back into ketosis or if it's due to my environment. I'm back to work after the Christmas break and the family I work for keeps their house much warmer than we keep ours.

I was disappointed to learn today that I calculated my weight-loss incorrectly. To find that I've lost 12 lbs versus the 13+ I thought I had, combined with my mistake of eating three cake pops yesterday, for a total of 90 carbs, really made me think. Since I began my plan I haven't put anything into my mouth without knowing the consequences of my actions and really making a consious decision to eat that food. Yesterday I didn't eat just one, but three of those tiny treats with no thought to carbs or how it would affect my day. I seemed to have it in my head that it was so small, it can't be more than 10 carbs...I can live with that. Not a path my brain should be on. I know for a fact this will lead me astray. It will become too easy to take that attitude for things all through-out the day. Next thing I know I'll be right back where I started. Today I tried to be very aware of what I was having. I made sure that the only thing I put into my mouth was "plan-approved". I was even able to resist birthday cake!

Most likely tomorrow will be just as crazy, so I made sure to pack everything I need for a full day at work just as soon as I got home tonight. No excuses. I'm sure a measure of my success is directly related to being prepared the night before. I don't have a reason to let myself get too hungry, I don't have a reason to eat something that isn't on my plan and it's hard to ignore water when it's staring at you all day long.

Up to this point, I've failed to mention the positive affects to my body. I know I talk about my weight and whether or not I stayed on plan, but sometimes that just isn't enough. I wore a pair of size 14 pants today and was excited to see that they fit. No, not tight. They fit like they should. I could also tell when looking in the mirror that my waist is shrinking and my stomach is looking flatter. These are little victories that are so important. When the scale isn't moving in the direction you want it to, sometimes all you need is a little boost to your confidence. Amazing how clothes can do it so easily. Clothes allow our minds to see how our body is changing for the better. I've scheduled a pick up with ARC for household items and clothes. I plan on sorting thru my closet prior to pick up and I hope to clear out anything that has gotten too big. There is no going back for me. Only forward.

Oops! Cake Pops are Bad!!!!!

The morning started off pretty good. I was able to sleep in since I didn't have to work until 10:00. I had prepared all of my stuff the night before. Turns out it was a good thing. I ate my oatmeal and drank my cocoa and packed my water and tea to go. I didn't know at the time that I would be working all day and therefore wasn't prepared. I didn't have any snacks or jello with me. Unfortunately that set the tone for the rest of the day.

The little boy I take care of just celebrated his birthday and had cake pops. I declined him several when he asked me if I wanted one. I think he took it personally so I gave in and ate one. Then I had a second and finally a third. I really didn't think the carbs would be too bad in a little bite size cake. I discoved too late that they contain approximately 30 grams of carbs. Wait, what? Yup. Thirty carbs in one little cake pop. Crap! I three of them. Counting the cake pops I had a total of 103 carbs today, 90 of which came from those damn cake pops! Ugh! Perhaps the lesson to be learned here is to look before you leap. I know for a fact had I known the carbs were so high I wouldn't have had even a single one.

Today I weighed in at 194.4 for a loss of .8 and a total of 12+ pounds. I took my suppliments twice today, and drank three extra glasses of water. I did not meet my goals today though. I only ate 6/7 servings of protein and I was over on my carbs. Way over.

I'm keeping it short tonight. I'm exhausted.

Consequences

Last night I was left with one burning question. How would my choices yesterday affect my weight today? Well as crazy as it might sound I actually gained 2.2 pounds. Now, I know for a fact that I didn't eat 2.2 pounds of food yesterday. I'm contributing the majority of it to water weight. Never-the-less I will not be indulging again for a very long time. 2.2 pounds? That is so crazy. And from eating a serving of nachos (without sour cream I might add) and some chips and salsa. There is a saying that I've heard many times and never really related to until today. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I finally get it. Those nachos did not taste good enough to justify 2.2 pounds.

When I first got up this morning and weighed myself I wasn't going to write it down. I decided that I could go back to bed and when I woke up I would weigh again and find that I'd somehow miraculously lost weight. Before I even left the room I had written my weight down. I knew when I was eating yesterday that I would need to deal with the fall out today. So, like a big girl I wrote those numbers. It was harder than I thought it would be. Today I've been extra diligent. I had seven servings of protein (105 grams), drank all of my water, took my suppliments and had zero carbs. I ate Jello today. I was lucky to get all of my servings in. I found myself eating the last one at 9:30 this evening.

All in all today was a good day. I'm excited to see how I do tomorrow. I'm hoping to see a loss, even if it's a minimal one. I'd like to think that today was a test and I passed it. I didn't freak out and go on an eating binge like I have in the past. I also didn't deny what was staring me in the face. Both of those are habitual for me when in comes to trying to lose weight. I no longer want to give in when it gets hard (either staying on plan or if I don't have a loss). I want to stick with it. Be my own success story. I'm on the right path. I'm finally admitting my weaknesses and confronting them. I imagine I have some additional and possibly more difficult challenges ahead of me. Every victory gives me more strengh, will power and love of myself to keep pushing through. I know I can do this.

Day 2 Week 2

Today was an interesting day and I'm curious to see the results tomorrow. I went back and forth several times on whether or not to indulge in nachos today. I let myself eat five Tostitos Artisan chips. They were good. I didn't feel the need to keep eating. I had some jello and took my suppliments. I drank my tea and 32 ounces of water. I was really thirsty today. Then I went about my normal routine. Around lunch time I had some more chips and some salsa. I'm sure I ate way more than I should have. I didn't measure my chips out. I just stood at the counter eating them out of the bag while watching TV. Two things that I know will cause over-eating. By the time the nachos were ready my body was just starting to send the message that maybe I'd had too much. I went ahead and dished a small plate and sat down. I ended up getting full before I even finished, so I left the rest on my plate. I was actually so full that I didn't eat anything else the rest of the day. Interestingly enough, I felt kind of sick as well, not just because I was too full. I really wanted to go and vomit. I think my body was telling me that I can't eat like this anymore. I really wasn't expecting that.

Based on how I felt the rest of today I think I should have no problem getting back on plan tomorrow. I'm concerned that I will show a gain though. That could be a little depressing. I just have to realize that I made the decision and now I need to be a big girl and suffer the consequences. I will not let this be an excuse to destroy all of my hard work. I also plan on being extra diligent tomorrow with what I eat. The faster I get my body back into ketosis the faster any possible carb cravings will go away. Although I actually haven't had any cravings. In fact, the thought of eating carbs makes me a little nauseated right now. That's a good thing, right? So today was my indulgence and now I have a decent idea of just how it affected my body. Tomorrow I'll find out how it affected my weight.

My next challenge will be to decide when to begin my exercise routine. I've enlisted the help of my son to be my personal trainer. He's doing a low-carb, high-protein plan called the Men's Health TNT Diet. Along with the diet is an exercise program that includes interval training with weights. The exercise program only needs to be done three times a week. It targets specific area's of the body which is exactly what I need to do. I need to build my muscle to burn more calories and to keep my skin from sagging. I've been thinking that I'll give myself one more week on plan and then integrate the exercise. I'll be honest, I despise exercise. I never learned to like it as a kid. When I was skinny I was not fit. I didn't play sports and participated the absolute bare minimum in P.E. class. As much as I'd like to avoid making exercise part of my plan, I know that diet and exercise go hand in hand. I will not achieve the results that I want without the exercise portion. So, I'll do it even though I don't want to. I will, however, complain about it. Loudly. Often. It won't actually make a difference but I'll feel better for it. Not to mention that it will most likely make my son crazy.

Now for the exciting news...My weight this morning was an even 193 pounds. I have a loss from yesterday of 2.4 pounds and an over-all loss of 13 pounds. WOW! I have lost 13 pounds in nine days. That's crazy! I have to admit that my success staying on plan has a lot to do with how good I feel because I'm losing every day. That certainly makes me more motivated.

Tomorrow will be an eye opener and I can only hope that my body doesn't rebel too badly. Until then...sleep well.

Day 1 Week 2

I'm not sure how I would classify today. I don't know if it was a success or not. I stayed on my plan and got all of my water. In fact, in that regard I did really well. I took my suppliments, wrote everything down and even stayed below 20 carbs. I feel like I let myself down though. I had a single little bite of chicken from the stir fry I made the other night. I know, not so bad. But then I had two bites of pizza. The sad thing is, it didn't even taste good. It was cold and had been in the fridge for a week I suspect. I'm disappointed that I ate anything at all, that wasn't on my plan. I'm not even sure why I did it. I wasn't hungry. I don't think that I was bored. In fact I'd actually just woken up. I've been fighting a migraine since Christmas Eve and finally gave in to taking my heavy duty meds. What I'm most concerned about is the possibility that I'm seeing some real success and am now starting to self-sabotage. I have a history of doing that to myself.

Over the years I've come to realize that I'm very uncomfortable with attention. Combine attention and compliments and I start to freak out. I know there is a direct connection between these feelings and my past. I've always wondered if I would have been molested if I'd been unattractive as a little girl. Perhaps if I'd been over-weight as a teenager I wouldn't have been exploited by men. Or my own family. I've heard for so long that I'm such a pretty girl, if I'd only lose some weight I'd be even prettier. You know what though? My weight has been my armor. It's been my armor for so long that I still wear it despite the fact that I haven't needed it for more than 20 years. I know that if I'm fat, I won't be noticed. If I'm not noticed then I never have to worry about someone thinking of me in a sexual way. I don't want anyone other than my own husband to look at me and think of me that way. It brings up too many painful memories and I feel so vulnerable. I already have a hard enough time blocking the memories out, why would I want something to constantly remind me?

I'm not trying to be vain when I say that I know I have a pretty face. I also know that if I were to weigh what I should, that I would be considered an attractive woman. I've been around enough men to know what they say when they see someone attractive. I've seen how some men will stare at a woman. I'm barely comfortable enough letting my own brother-in-law give me hug. How can I handle the thought of numerous men looking at me?

I also know that if I'd been raised to have more self-esteem perhaps I wouldn't have felt like the only thing I could give to be liked/respected/loved was my body. Yes, I had that little self worth. When someone is objectified from the age of three, it's nearly impossible not to be messed up. I should have been protected. Instead I was basically the sacrificial lamb. I remember when I was 14 years old. I wasn't allowed to date a 19 year old but my parents had no problem with me spending two nights alone in a hotel room with a 28 year old man they thought was the son of someone famous. Would I be out of line to say I felt like I was being pimped out by my own mother? I'm quite sure that if I weren't as cute and thin that never would have been a possibility.

Ugh! I'm so all over the place tonight. I don't want to think about those things right now, but if I don't confront them I'm never going to be able to do this. Do you ever wish you could just take certain memories and erase them forever? Can I do that for the entire first half of my life? Delete every horrible thing that ever happened to me? Would I still be the same person I am today? I've often believed that I was two people in the past. One person that everything bad happened to, and the other person that lived life in a way that no one ever knew what was happening to her. Crazy?

I can't do this right now. I'm not ready to confront some of this stuff. I thought I would be, but it's just causing all of it to come to the surface and suffocate me.

In regards to my plan today was a good day. I weighed in at 195.4 for a loss of 1 lb from yesterday and 10.6 pounds to date. Other than the three bites this afternoon, I stayed on plan. I ate my seven servings of protein, drank my 64 ounces of water, took my suppliments twice today and had a total intake of only 16 carbs. Tomorrow is football and nachos and I still don't have a plan. I just don't know if I want to risk it all by indulging. I guess we'll find out.

What a way to end Week 1

Today I concluded the first week on my weight loss plan. I won't kid anyone. It wasn't easy. The first three days really tested my committment. I wasn't sure that I would actually be able to avoid indulging in things that were not on my plan. I can honestly say that I wasn't hungry, but I also wasn't satisfied. I needed some time to get all of those cravings out of my system. I did it though. I hung in there and made it through one day and then two, and finally my first week. I know I can do it now if I choose to. I'm choosing to.

In the past, my weigh in day would be my indulgence day. I'd tell myself that all I had to do was make it to weigh in and then I could have whatever I wanted for the rest of the day. There wasn't anything off limits. I justified this by noting that a) It was for one day only and b) I'd have an entire week to work off what little bit (yeah right) of weight I'd put back on in that single day. Some people might think this is acceptable and for quite a few I'm sure it's a tactic that lets you reward yourself for a job well done. For me it seems to be an excuse to give up. You see, once I would start down that road it was very hard for me to get back on track. All of my hard work the previous week, gone. The days I spent conquering my cravings would be for nothing. Once I had that first bite it was practically all down hill from there. I decided that this time would be different. I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to break such a bad habit. Perhaps it's because I had time on my hands as it was my day off, perhaps not, whatever the reason I found myself thinking of food today. All day. The entire day. Several times I went back and forth on whether to have something not on my plan. I almost did twice. Instead I made myself sit where I was and not get up until the thought passed. I spent a lot of time sitting at the table today. You know what though? I stayed on plan. I was able to wait out my desire to indulge in food that I wouldn't be using for energy. I was able to control my actions. I WAS in control. Wow. I'm pretty proud of myself.

This morning I met with my doctor for my first weigh-in. I'm excited to report that I weigh 196.4 pounds. That's a decrease from yesterday of 1.8 lbs and overall 9.6 pounds. Holy Cow!! I also lost two inches off of my waist. Really?! I know I said this yesterday, but I've never lost this much in a single week. It's hard not to be motivated by that.

Yesterday I wrote out a list of questions for my doctor. I let her know that the bouillon contained MSG and was triggering headaches/migraines and asked if there was anything else I could take instead. She suggested I try therma-tabs. Apparently they are over the counter (you just have to ask the pharmacist for them) and three tabs will replace one bouillon. Since my pharmacy had to order them and won't get them until tomorrow, I chose to skip both servings of boullion today. I'll be okay without it for one day and I can use the break from a headache as well. I also mentioned that I noticed on the days when my carbs were lower my next weigh in was much more significant. According to my doctor you could actually have no carbs throughout the day and be just fine. In fact, you'll tend to lose more weight the lower your carb intake. It's quite difficult to do though. I'm not sure how my body will react, but I thought I might try allowing myself only 15 carbs one day. I'd like to know how I'll feel and if it's possible for me to be successful if I cut my carb intake in half. We talked at length about how ketosis works, and the benefits of it. I'm now starting to understand the science behind it. We talked about the importance of potassium and sodium as well as Vitamin D. I discovered that most people are able to stay on this full ketosis plan for 6-12 weeks and continue to average approximately 3-4 lbs loss every week. She did tell me that she had a patient that was able to stay on this plan for a full six months. I'm not sure I'd like to be on it that long, but it's nice to know that it is an option.

The end of week one has arrived and I feel brilliant. I was able to stay on plan for the entire week and lose an impressive amount of weight. I'm looking forward to next week but I know already that I have a challenge to overcome. Sunday is football and football means nachos. My husband has already made it well known that he plans on making them. I really love nachos. I hope to have a plan of action to deal with it within the next day or two. I'll keep you posted. Here's to another great week ahead!

Counting down Week 1

This morning arrived bright and early. Okay, not so bright but definitely early! I got up with my alarm versus hitting snooze 12 times as is my normal ritual. Although getting up on time and not arriving even a minute late to work was worth it, it still sucked. In a big way. Like a really big way. I'm so not a morning person. I fake it really well, but that's all it is. An act. Thank goodness I'm not addicted to caffein. I'd have to drink an entire pot of coffee in the morning just to get going.

Today I was able to eat breakfast at home while standing at the counter. Not the most ideal but at least it wasn't in my car. I'm making progress. Less than a week ago I didn't even eat breakfast. Now I not only eat breakfast but I nourish my body every two to three hours. I take suppliments twice a day and drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water every day. I'm starting to feel good.

I didn't feel nearly as stressed about food today. I think I proved to myself that I can handle temptations if I choose to. That's a pretty big deal for me. No, a really big deal. For as long as I've been trying to lose weight I've always had an excuse. If we were going out to eat I had an excuse. If we were grocery shopping, I had any number of excuses to explain away the crap I was tossing in the cart. Not to mention the excuses for snacking, nibbling, running by for fast food or calling for delivery. Anyone, and I do mean anyone, can make excuses if they want to. Even if they don't recognize it at the time, they are setting themselves up and allowing it to happen. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend that I'm never going to slip up or that I've got it all figured out after six days. What I know is that for once in my life I'm taking care of me. I'm listening to my doctor and following my plan. There happens to be a lot of power in my decision. You wouldn't think something so small would have such an impact but it has. I can't say what's different this time around. I'm not sure I want to know. If I find out I might make an excuses or look for a way around it.

Tomorrow I'll meet with my doctor for my one week weigh-in/check-up. I'm excited to see what she has to say. I think she'll be mildly surprised. I have a few questions that I need to ask her and am looking forward to her answers. I have an idea that what she has to say will only reinforce the good progress I feel like I've been making.

Now for today's results: This morning I weighed in at 198.2 for a loss from yesterday of .2 and a total loss of 7.8 pounds. I almost let my self be dissapoined that I didn't lose more. I then reminded myself that any loss is a good loss and considering it was .2 lbs from yesterday should count for something. So, I set it out of my mind. I'm sure that I could have convinced myself very easily to give in for the day. I'm sure that I could have thought "What's the point?" I didn't though. I didn't let me get me down. I ate breakfast and lunch and did everything else I was supposed to throughout my day. When dinner rolled around and I made dinner for my husband and son, I wasn't tempted to "have a little taste". I need to write this on an index card and carry it around for future reminders. A really good day and an incrdible week. I'm officially out of the 200's for the last time in my life!